I had some important realizations today and wanted to share them. God has been putting it on my heart to be more open about my experiences, even the ones that are hard to share. I can't say I know why, but I'm going to follow His lead. Maybe someone will read this and no longer feel alone. I know I have read blogs for some time but never commented. Yet I have been blessed by so many who have bared their souls in this digital abyss.
I am experiencing a period of loss. Loss of health. Loss of purpose. Loss of friends. Loss of community. Loss of stability. This is my winter.
To be really honest, some days I feel like I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death. The darkness that envelops me leaves me completely detached every now and again. There have been plenty of times that my ability to function was a miracle in itself.
My desperate prayer lately is for God to use me. To show me where He wants me to be. I have been given no definite vision. I have prayed for God to remove this, He has not. I prayed that He would bind Satan if it was Satan attacking. Nothing has been done to that end.
As all of this rolled around in my head today, and with the help of a wonderful new blog I discovered, I had those aforementioned revelations.
1) God is very much in the middle of this. This is of His hand for His glory and purpose. I need some pruning. For a long time now I thought pruning was just removal of sin. It's not just that. It's removing anything that hinders the Lord's presence in your life. For me this involves the surfacing of old wounds that need healing. Richard and I were reading in John tonight where Jesus was walking on the water and the disciples freaked out a little. Jesus said,"It is I; don't be afraid". The Lord spoke to me then and there and I knew I didn't have to be afraid.
2) God is using me right now. He's revealing His strength in my weakness. I am weak, unbelievably weak. As I said before, there are days I couldn't have lifted my head were it not for the Lord.
Things may not be playing out the way I expected them to. But I know God is here and He is working. I couldn't be more grateful.